Brain water patterns

Today i'm coming from a place deeper inside my brain than i normally think, a place whose patterns would seem to form a link deep down inside my body: i feelthink! And it seems to work like some break in a circuit finally soldered, a puzzle whose pieces finally start making some sense, a new pattern emerges blossoming in my sun.

Water from the rainwater tank my body craves like a sponge lying dry on a sun filled kitchen sink craves the taps love just a short distance away.

Something is different, but again i will turn up with only just enough done... we shall see how the fruits of the inner struggle taste over the rest of the week.

Cold summers eve

A cold wind rustles the grass, its fingers finding my feet sitting idle under the desk. An overcast sky is reflected in the rippling of the pool, in the coldness of the bricks, in the dullness of the light. Pink flowers smile into the grey day, the green grass vibrant still in the dull light. The day slowly turns, the birds singing and squawking as they settle in for the night.

My brain did not really turn on today. There has been a dullness, an inability to really think articulately, to find clarity. I get a sense of clarity when i go into my body and listen to it, which is why i'm at home rather than with so many of the people i love at FRL.

The challenge is not to feel negative about it, to just feel here and enjoy it.

Family Love

Curious watching those you love slowly leaving, holding an open heart and knowing that my saddness will be deep. Holding space while watching television, being one of the kids and one of the adults both at once. I wonder how long it will take before some part of my brain stops wondering when they're going to get home.

I'll miss Katherine's shy excitement about life, Tim's enthusiasm for sharing his world of computer games, comics, superheros and zombies, and Erin's love, wheelbarrowing, trampolines and love of attention.

And Stephen and Leanne, who have taught me how powerful love can be, and how love can be so deeply transformative, holding each other to the alchemical flame of transformation. The heart, crucible of transformation.

So much to miss, but so much to hold in my heart, keeping it glowing. I'll miss them, but i'll always feel so close to them.

The Brain

The Brain works mainly in the sloshing of spinal fluid. Apparently the brain is highly advanced bone marrow. Does that mean my bones can think? What would they be thinking about then? Is that why when i smile into my bones it feel so good, it is a bit like smiling at my brain in how it makes me feel. How would i be if i thought with all of my bone marrow?

Hmm late night delirium and blogs made up a whisker before midnight in the quiet of the house broken only by the slap of finger on plastic and the hum of machines waiting...

Processing...

I'm tired. I've been processing like a madman while my obligations to the world go stale. I've seen my demon lurking beyond my current project which is my fear of having the time and resources to actually really do what i want. This is a very real possibility and a very real fear. Also facing my every key stroke is the fear of inadequacy, the fear of driving myself beyond the limits of my body if i really let myself go into it and get inspired, the fear of failing to do any good and feeling that hollow feeling of defeat when i feel shattered.

But what i'm excited by is facing my demon lurking in the field of doing what i want. Is that motivation enough? Perhaps, i hope so. But then so is validating the fact that despite my beliefs around being a failure and feeling like i've not and will not live up to my potential i've done a lot of amazing things, had quite an interesting life, and have pulled of some remarkable adventures and created some really outstanding things in the world.

Holding the whole picture of me is something it's taking a lot of awareness to do, but is really quite enjoyable.

Change

A mountain smiles cheekily at me. A fear of being ground to dust, of failing.

The sun beams gently down on the rippling pool; puff daddy clouds linger casually in the sky; it darkens like it could rain; the sun emerges again and my heart lifts.

I love this place but i feel the impending loss of my family, and am all too aware of spending hours tapping away at a computer rather than being able to fully enjoy them. All things change, especially children. At what point do we start trying not to change? Very strange behaviour that runs contrary to everything we see around us. And i've been just as guilty as the next adult of trying to hold on. And now bravely embracing whatever is i'm overwhelmed at times. Like now.

My little jade/money plant struggles back to life, just two little leaves on the end of one branch a bunch of little buds that have not moved in weeks. A little more love, a little more light, i want it to change, to grow.