Mechanics of my mind

I realised today that i keep getting stuck in thinking i have to everything at once. And then i spiral into despondency quickly afterwards. There is such a thing called a plan, and a plan that isn't overloaded. I'm thinking it's like when i started to take my spiritual practice seriously, i decided that the minimum i had to do was one minute. It was the most liberating, and motivating thing i'd ever done. There have only been a handful of days in the last 10 years that it's been that short. The joy of the approach is that everything above the one minute is because i want to, not because i have to. I recognise that in the world of obligations it's not always that easy, but to be honest i think if i'd had that frame of mind for the last couple of years i'd have got a lot more done, and been a hell of a lot more relaxed, and possible got a lot more things done on time. So often it's about the first step: it can be so small, but so hard. I'm looking forward to January and having some time to recalibrate. And the picture is because i watched a bit of Ocotopussy and it was filmed partly in India and REALLY made me want to go back.

How great are cats...?

Really, how great are cats? They're sleeping away in my room, cuddled up together on my keyboard case, sending out very chill vibrations. It reminds me of miso, my old cat, best friend and spiritual mentor. He was always telling me to chill out, right up until his last day, i can still feel his mind drilling into mine.

These guys though are reminding me how lush it is just to be, and enjoy just being. And how much i'm looking forward to being able to do just that.

wandering mind

The cats have been a bit frantic today. Is it the chicken mince i got them, emotional stress or worms? Hard to say. Funny because i've been the opposite, i've hardly eaten a thing, well until dinner at least. There seems to be a relationship between eating less and brain activity. Perhaps its because i'm not distracting the blood from my brain.

All very fragmented and words not motivated by inspiration, but by keeping the practice going... i guess that's the whole real point of it though isn't it?

eeep

Late night mind mashing working to make happy goodness waiting for inspiration space time would only stop and let me rest.....

Sunshine

It's a beautiful day. The sun shines gently warming the earth once again (as opposed to the backs of rain clouds), the pool sparkles and ripples, the air is full of the sounds of spring: birds, bugs and rustling leaves.

I'm dreaming of being out in the sun rather than at my desk admiring it, a dream that is increasing in potency due to both its closeness as well as my growing enjoyment of not having as many things piled up on the 'to do list'. I've ticked a few things off and it feels so exceptionally good, just like this sun shiny day. Strange how i can forget so easily what can be so good for me, but like the rain it's necessary too, but unlike the rain it's not necessary for ever.

Clockwork

There are some things that make us less that we could be. I wonder if it's the same as what makes us what we could be? Or at least the flip side. I sit here wondering if my capacity is exactly my chain, my brilliance exactly my weakness.

A day of confusion has ensued after a couple of days of blazing activity. The cycles i find hard to ride, part of me wants to be able to hit the on switch on demand but the turning of the earth seems to have different ideas. I am not clockwork, but it seems that would be ideal.

Somewhere...

There is a golden red sunset going on somewhere right now, and a soft dawn full of gentle pink hues. There is rain soaking into soil as someone huddles resentful of the wet and cold, and someone a smile dancing as the earth and plants drinks deep. There is sunshine somewhere right now warming the skin of someone dreaming of their lover, and someone hiding from the brutal onslaught of the suns rays. There is someone inspired making real their very life's purpose, and there is someone hiding desperately from the deepest whispers of their soul trudging out the hours. There is concrete encrusted on now barren lands, and rainforests exploding with life. There is someone completely unaware of their own mind, and there is someone totally aware of everything. And there is everything in between, the dawn, the dusk, the sun, the moon, the dark the light. And patiently i can't help but feel the earth gently watches lovingly encouraging of everything, and the sky holds open the very heavens, waiting for us to allow grace, to find ourselves.

Holidays and the return

Mind slipping down slopes of egg filled belly tiredness. Glasses hold my head in comfort seeing only their own need to be useful.

The house is strangely quiet: we all miss the O'Foleys, the animals all feel a bit lost, the house itself doesn't quite know what to do with itself. I hope the sock monster in the roof doesn't starve.

Fresh back from Adelaide, as we drove along the freeway the intensity of anxiety hit me like a wall, un-checked messages on my phone lurked grinning at me evilly, a mountain of work, such a different world away from a romantic holiday on the Great Australian Bight where the wind smelled of the crisp salt ocean and the light sliced right through my mind cleansing, refreshing.

Waking on the coast

Pine trees stand tall in front of the southern ocean, white fluffy clouds float in blue skies and birds lazily circle. Even through my fuzzy short sighted eyes the world has a clarity, a sharpness that has nothing to do with focussed edges. There is something magical about the coast, and especially about coastal Australia, there is a feeling, a spaciousness, a sharpness, a freshness that i've not ever seen anywhere else. Not that i've been lots of other places, but enough to get the idea that here is not like that many other places.

Victor Harbour is a curious place. It has a centre which oozes old world charm which qucikly slips into modern boxes of drap latte lifestyle minimalism, then into either bland burbs or classic 50's to 60's sea side holiday house architecture.

But now to breakfast!

love and loss

I'm at once very aware of the loving goodness i have right here on the SA coast with a woman who makes my heart sing, and also of the sense of loss as a part of my family is flying further and further away from me. Well, physically at least. Its part of the danger and joy of loving is the increased capacity for all emotions, but also knowing that when that love is without boundaries and really doesn't end just because someone isn't there.

I'm looking forward to flying myself to New York, but am also looking forward to being a custodian of their home, and their hearts.

Art of Mind

The art of the mind is a strange and always changing thing. Today it feels like a a thousand fragments of crystal spilling light in all directions, yesterday it felt like a laser beam. What has changed?

A shift of thinking from my frontal lobe to deep inside the middle of my head has been transformative over the last few days, but today i feel unable to pull the various streams of light together into a whole. I'm tired, and feeling that rising sense of panic i so often struggle with: understandably so, i'm really pushing the extended deadlines now.

Perhaps there is no reason, it's just how i am today. A very inconvenient thought.

Brain water patterns

Today i'm coming from a place deeper inside my brain than i normally think, a place whose patterns would seem to form a link deep down inside my body: i feelthink! And it seems to work like some break in a circuit finally soldered, a puzzle whose pieces finally start making some sense, a new pattern emerges blossoming in my sun.

Water from the rainwater tank my body craves like a sponge lying dry on a sun filled kitchen sink craves the taps love just a short distance away.

Something is different, but again i will turn up with only just enough done... we shall see how the fruits of the inner struggle taste over the rest of the week.

Cold summers eve

A cold wind rustles the grass, its fingers finding my feet sitting idle under the desk. An overcast sky is reflected in the rippling of the pool, in the coldness of the bricks, in the dullness of the light. Pink flowers smile into the grey day, the green grass vibrant still in the dull light. The day slowly turns, the birds singing and squawking as they settle in for the night.

My brain did not really turn on today. There has been a dullness, an inability to really think articulately, to find clarity. I get a sense of clarity when i go into my body and listen to it, which is why i'm at home rather than with so many of the people i love at FRL.

The challenge is not to feel negative about it, to just feel here and enjoy it.

Family Love

Curious watching those you love slowly leaving, holding an open heart and knowing that my saddness will be deep. Holding space while watching television, being one of the kids and one of the adults both at once. I wonder how long it will take before some part of my brain stops wondering when they're going to get home.

I'll miss Katherine's shy excitement about life, Tim's enthusiasm for sharing his world of computer games, comics, superheros and zombies, and Erin's love, wheelbarrowing, trampolines and love of attention.

And Stephen and Leanne, who have taught me how powerful love can be, and how love can be so deeply transformative, holding each other to the alchemical flame of transformation. The heart, crucible of transformation.

So much to miss, but so much to hold in my heart, keeping it glowing. I'll miss them, but i'll always feel so close to them.

The Brain

The Brain works mainly in the sloshing of spinal fluid. Apparently the brain is highly advanced bone marrow. Does that mean my bones can think? What would they be thinking about then? Is that why when i smile into my bones it feel so good, it is a bit like smiling at my brain in how it makes me feel. How would i be if i thought with all of my bone marrow?

Hmm late night delirium and blogs made up a whisker before midnight in the quiet of the house broken only by the slap of finger on plastic and the hum of machines waiting...

Processing...

I'm tired. I've been processing like a madman while my obligations to the world go stale. I've seen my demon lurking beyond my current project which is my fear of having the time and resources to actually really do what i want. This is a very real possibility and a very real fear. Also facing my every key stroke is the fear of inadequacy, the fear of driving myself beyond the limits of my body if i really let myself go into it and get inspired, the fear of failing to do any good and feeling that hollow feeling of defeat when i feel shattered.

But what i'm excited by is facing my demon lurking in the field of doing what i want. Is that motivation enough? Perhaps, i hope so. But then so is validating the fact that despite my beliefs around being a failure and feeling like i've not and will not live up to my potential i've done a lot of amazing things, had quite an interesting life, and have pulled of some remarkable adventures and created some really outstanding things in the world.

Holding the whole picture of me is something it's taking a lot of awareness to do, but is really quite enjoyable.

Change

A mountain smiles cheekily at me. A fear of being ground to dust, of failing.

The sun beams gently down on the rippling pool; puff daddy clouds linger casually in the sky; it darkens like it could rain; the sun emerges again and my heart lifts.

I love this place but i feel the impending loss of my family, and am all too aware of spending hours tapping away at a computer rather than being able to fully enjoy them. All things change, especially children. At what point do we start trying not to change? Very strange behaviour that runs contrary to everything we see around us. And i've been just as guilty as the next adult of trying to hold on. And now bravely embracing whatever is i'm overwhelmed at times. Like now.

My little jade/money plant struggles back to life, just two little leaves on the end of one branch a bunch of little buds that have not moved in weeks. A little more love, a little more light, i want it to change, to grow.