Lessons past and present

My grandfather is dead, the very embodiment of my inner judge, a man i've learnt to love exactly because of his sharp edges. It's such a strange mixture of emotions that accompany this, mixed as it is with the most challenging time in my relationship. Such a sense of loss, and yet of liberation, of stepping into myself, but of loosing part of myself, of power and weakness.

If only letting go of how i devalue myself was easy as typing these words, but it is far more graceful and profound than any words can convey, even if one of my strongest desires is to just curl up in a ball and let the world wash over me while i watch and fantasise that the stream ripples not as it carresses my body.

But that's not the message the cats in my live give me, much as it might seem. It is to be deeply restful, and to know that i am the hunter as long as i know that i'm the hunter. One lesson from my grandfather was to be yourself even when your weakness is thrown in your face, even when what you face is seemingly more powerful and stronger than you are.

And my lesson from tonight from my lover is to be powerful enough to believe in the journey even when she sees it not, even when the darkness consumes those you love, for it's just possible they have for a moment stepped beyond practice and are doing it: living the warriors path deep in the belly of the beast.