Resistance and self belief

So i've just signed up to NaBloPoMo, National Blog Posting Month. An amusing way to actually get myself to do this thing, more because i have a huge resistance to putting myself 'out there' in the world... it's where my resistance is.

I've been feeling really deeply into, and experiencing, my resistance over the last few days. Well my whole life actually, but feeling it with awareness is the key difference. Resistance to doing what i really want to do, to express who i really am, to feel what i really feel, to shine as i really shine. My resistance to believing in myself appears to be at the core of it... I've been feeling really dull and blunted of late... classic in the grip of the city feeling for me that reminds me of before i went away to India, of before i threw it all in and ran away for a while.

It is, however, gripping me with less life draining vigour, it's like my determination not to get in all the crap that i was in before i went away actually required of me to come back and be caught in the crap and find a deeper learning than that which i'd attained. Still brings up my desire to bolt and go adventuring. Sigh. But i made a challenge to myself for this week: to ask myself, whenever i feel blocked or lacking or uncertain: 'what would i do in this situation if i believed in myself?' It has helped me to push through to get a few more things done rather than putting them off and getting mired in my doubts. So it's been a more interesting day than usual, and has really short circuited some of the usual crap that goes on in my head.

Which all up, you've got to be happy about. So, hence, also doing this blog.