Adaptation

Are we the first species on the planet to be able to anticipate our own evolution? See it coming, plan for it, use it, go as far as we can with it. Or will the very irony of our extinction be that we had choice?

Will we, in our exhaustive flurry of largely pointless activity, fail to even get onto the track for the next leap forward? This sort of stuff has been wandering around my head in the last while, with climate change getting all frisky on us and meteorologist starting to say that the 2007 IPCC report is out of date, that in fact we're looking at the worst case scenario for 2070 happening in 2050. And all of those scenarios anyway assume nothing catastophic is going to happen like the antarctic ice cap cracking or the peat bog methane giving the clouds a big high five or the carbon hydroxide hanging at the bottom of the oceans giving up the aquatic lifestyle... it takes me back to being as present as i can be, and exploring as deeply as i can my inner space, my vehicle of earth bound experience.

It's a bit like being welded into a car on a highway thats slowly melting and their ain't no off ramps.

Phlegm

My energy is consumed in the fight
Against beings i cannot see
My body the battleground
My enthusiasm the casualty
More phlegm to cough

Will

Sometimes you need to do what you've said you're going to do, even if it's a bit half arsed because it's important for one's sense of will, the sense that if you say something is going to happen, then it happens. Hence doing my blog with, now, minutes to spare to keep my commitment to every day for a month.

I had an arm wrestle the other night, not something i usually do, but it reminded me how much it's really all that much about your muscles, it's more about your will. I lost only one contest, and that was because my focus, my willpower, faltered. I got distracted for a second. The other's i stayed totally focussed on, there was no doubt in my mind that i could, and would, win. It is easy to lose before you've even begun. Harder to win before you've even begun.

If only love was as easy as arm wrestling.

Resistance and self belief

So i've just signed up to NaBloPoMo, National Blog Posting Month. An amusing way to actually get myself to do this thing, more because i have a huge resistance to putting myself 'out there' in the world... it's where my resistance is.

I've been feeling really deeply into, and experiencing, my resistance over the last few days. Well my whole life actually, but feeling it with awareness is the key difference. Resistance to doing what i really want to do, to express who i really am, to feel what i really feel, to shine as i really shine. My resistance to believing in myself appears to be at the core of it... I've been feeling really dull and blunted of late... classic in the grip of the city feeling for me that reminds me of before i went away to India, of before i threw it all in and ran away for a while.

It is, however, gripping me with less life draining vigour, it's like my determination not to get in all the crap that i was in before i went away actually required of me to come back and be caught in the crap and find a deeper learning than that which i'd attained. Still brings up my desire to bolt and go adventuring. Sigh. But i made a challenge to myself for this week: to ask myself, whenever i feel blocked or lacking or uncertain: 'what would i do in this situation if i believed in myself?' It has helped me to push through to get a few more things done rather than putting them off and getting mired in my doubts. So it's been a more interesting day than usual, and has really short circuited some of the usual crap that goes on in my head.

Which all up, you've got to be happy about. So, hence, also doing this blog.