Shame

Can i see the beauty in shame? Can i appreciate the completeness with which i’ve been caught, the depth to which i’ve been plunged in my own unconsciousness? Even now i can feel it’s crippling touch on my fingers as i type, a sinking feeling deep within of defeat before the struggle has even begun.

I see now that i put shame on with my clothes in the morning (or is it even earlier than that, waiting eagerly to be with me as my eyes first flicker open?), and have lived with it every waking moment as long as i can remember. I see now that i’ve lived much of the last month crushed under shames thumb, even when i’ve been in states of ecstatic bliss shame has held the door open for me to leave it’s domain, and then closed it securely behind as i return safely to the comfort of it’s shackles.

Shame is such a subtle labyrinth, fractal like in it’s depth, unafraid of my growing wisdom (with it’s whispers so often helping my understanding) because it knows the very depths of me in a way i do not. It understands my own weaknesses, strengths and desires with an intimacy no other has.

And even in writing this i abstract it, i struggle to own my shame, that shame is not out there but in here, that i own it, that it is part of me. Perhaps i fear i am my shame, that if all was stripped back that would be all that is left. It is a poison that has seeped so deeply within the idea of life without it seems a strange and unfathomable thing.

This creature with which i live knows me with an intimacy i do not, it has been walking the hidden paths of my mind and emotions and it knows it can lay me low with a single blow. It seeks to perpetuate itself, and i feel like the more i grow, the higher in my consciousness i think i’m getting, the greater it’s eventual harvest.

My shame is truly magnificent in it’s subtlety and tenacity, in the intimacy with which it knows me, in the ease with which it controls me to create more of itself. If i wasn’t so ashamed, i’d call it beautiful.

Fire

The beauty of fire.

The ritual of lighting the fire, tearing paper out of the old phone book, scrunching it up, placing a pyramid of sticks and applying a match to it. The fire in it’s infancy, delicate and fickle, quickly firing into a bright flame, then abating as it slowly takes hold, embers gently glowing. That moment where it could go either way. Bigger kindling goes on as you trust the heat; they catch; and the fire powers into action, consuming ravenously, giving out nurturing life giving warmth.

Stone

Sitting in a library, slowly acclimatising to working on a local government project again. Next to me is a solid stone wall, all lumps and ripples and slapped together cement. There is a solidity, a reassurance inherent in stone. It’s always just there being solid, like the earth but a bit more visible because we’ve sliced it out and put it somewhere we can easily see.

There is a violence to it’s rectangular form, it has been fashioned, beaten into shape to serve a purpose. Yet it speaks also of beauty, a beauty beyond a function (although there is a beauty in that); there is something in it that speaks to me obliquely, something it holds while my mind melts into new shapes and i look deeply into that dark pit of transformation. When i return, the stone will still be there, holding a steadfast solidity for me, being stone.

Beauty

I’ve been struggling to think what to write in this blog for a while. Wondering what the point of it is, what it gives me aside from some random ramblings. I’ve been working on setting up a blog particularly for my spiritual musings, which will get there when i’m ready.

But today i had an idea about this blog, and it’s an idea that can be quite useful to me. The basic enquiry for the blog (for the time being anyway) is to enquire into beauty. It’s about me noticing the beauty around me, appreciating what is no matter how dark the road may be at that time. Even the darkness is beautiful.

And so today, a day of darkness, of exploring some of my deepest hurts and disabling emotions, i noticed how beautiful the blossoms were in the driveway of my home. My heart eased.



It aroused the memory of seeing these blossums last year, and that i’ve been here for more than the turn of a year. In amongst the harsh cold of winter, such delicate and beautiful flowers call our attention to the glorious flow of life. And a ray of sunshine emerges through the clouds.

Cleanse

My body feels a bit like it’s tripping. Not my mind, but my body. Between the salt water cleanse (another dose tomorrow), my Chinese herbs to clear my liver and spleen and the oxygen water supplement, my body has gone into melt down a bit. I’ve gone into melt down a bit. I’m feeling not dissimilar to what i would if i had a cold or something, yet i’m also feeling really clear and energised at the same time. A very strange experience all up, but one i’m going to keep pursuing.

Salt Water Experiment

This morning i embarked on a long awaited experiment, which was to do a salt water cleanse. It involves drinking one litre of salt water (1 litre of warm water with one tablespoon of salt in it) before i’d consumed anything for the day, ie first thing in the morning. One hour later, you really want to be sitting on the toilet as it comes shooting straight back out the other end with the contents of your intestines mixed in.

So why did i do this? Curiosity, and that i’ve had a flatulence problem for a while now and also that my belly just felt a bit clogged. I felt unclear in this area of my body, and i’m wanting a lot of clarity at the moment. It did take me a while to get a tablespoon measurement (i’m one for doing this properly if they need to be done)

Although diarrhoea is usually associated with a high degree of discomfort, there was nothing discomforting about it, it was a relief to get it out. And how do i feel now?

My head feels clearer, which is great considering i didn’t get a good nights sleep, my guts are a bit rumbly and feels like there’s a bit of stuff moving around in there. Definately worth doing a few more times.

Chickens!

The fun of chickens, strange little creatures, highly sociable and very curious. They've been bringing Isiah a lot of joy lately: you give them food, they give you eggs.









-- Post From My iPhone