The script

There are some events in life that are so deeply shocking, that expose behaviour patterns so fundamentally and so nakedly that we have to drop everything to pay deep attention to them allow ourselves to change. It has been such a time.

I'm sitting in San Francisco, in the Angel Cafe. An Arabic language cooking show is on, the roof and walls are draped with hessian, there is a little water fall feature in the corner with plastic plants and there is a soup on the stove that seems to involve lots of green beans. There is something familiar, almost Brunswick about the place.

I feel like i'm in some waiting room, waiting to enter back onto the stage after some time in a sub plot off the main stage. Most of the other actors and audience are expecting the same character but i've rewritten my lines and don't know how it will go. More than rewritten my lines though, i've found the motivation and behaviour patterns need to be different to fit the new purpose behind the character.

My hope is that i won't be forced back to the old script, my hope is that i'm able to really able to fly with it, and that my new script will change other scripts also.

Change is such a strange thing. In exposing the beliefs i had to change, i was faced with the question of what do i replace them with? This haunted me for some time. In the end i went back to intention, what is my intention, what lay underneath the beliefs? It is this i have tried to change, trusting that my behaviour patterns will change to fit a new, clear intention. It is this that causes me some trepidation about what has actually changed. What if, in the challenges of my usual life, i go back to the old ways? And what does that mean. I cannot spend energy worrying about this, but it sits there, and i must acknowledge it.

Change is such a strange thing. I shall find out how strange soon enough.

Adventure

I'm an adventurer. This now i know deeply. I have, after a long struggle with myself, finally surrendered to this fact, and that surrender has been through stepping into my power. I was challenged deeply to step into it in the place where i usually don't, in the place where i'm most vulnerable, and it was exactly there that the power lay.
And the adventure? It's an approach to everything, and has been my path for a long, long time. I am other things too, and of course fundamentally i just am, but it is an aspect of consciouness i manifest with intense presence and purpose.
I am discovering in this an immense appreciation and love for myself, and am in deep gratitude for the gifts i've recieved, and the power i have to play my part in catalysing real change.

Wow

Wow, i'm feeling so powerful, and so in love, and so loved, and so many boundaries are just dissolving and am healing on such a deep level.

Longing

The yearning of the sea for the clouds,
The devoted adulation of the clouds for the forest,
The ecstatic embrace of the forests and the earth,
The surrender of the earth to the river,
The longing of the river for the sea.

Spa of life

Being stuck in our shit is like being in a spa and seeing only the bubbles and froth on the top and thinking that's the spa, that's what's important, that's what's going on. When underneath them there is your whole body, and the spa jets, and simply just the glorious life giving water all holding you and giving you goodness without judgement. But mostly we wouldn't do that in a spa, we'd see the bubbles as just the froth from a deeper process, and sink back in and joy what is a glorious spa. So why then do we do it life? For all sorts of apparently good reasons i guess, but i'm beginning to think that maybe it's actually no where near as hard as we think to sink back into the spa of life and enjoy the journey.

A beautiful day

A day of transformation. Suddenly everything that was bothering me so much just doesn't seem so important any more. It's still there, but i feel like i've got a new tool to be able to quiet the clamour, and that new tool feels lodged deep inside in a column of pure light.
It was a beautiful day today, the sun, humidity and breeze a gentle caress as light as the brush of lips on the skin, flowers in bloom but passing magnificently into autumn, the leaves just starting to yellow and float gently to the earth, the little cat still playing hard to get, the bugs buzzing and whirring in a chaos of excitement.

Long way from home

I'm a long way from home, tired, wired, vulnerable and praying for the courage and clarity to surrender to this process. Today was a big day, and i've been clearer with my shit than ever i've been... and tomorrow, well i just try and hold an open space, and after that, well i'll just sit with the fears chewing in the back of my mind uselessly churning away. A path has been set, and surrender to it i must.

A bit of a ramble about tantra, sex and politics

If everyone felt the kind of playful, clear, loving goodness that this really deep work brings then the world would be one very different place. Not that we wouldn't have shit to sort out, there's plenty of testament to that, but it would be different. What if every politician or executive had to go on a tantra retreat, or a meditation retreat, as part of being qualified for the job? What if the will to enquire of the self was seen as a fundamental part of assuming positions of power. The world would really be different. Many of our greatest and most inspiring leaders have had a spiritual perspective (for want of a better word) and have been at least partially involved in or influenced by a movement with an aim towards some kind of gnosis of the human spirit. Fundamental would be not being so messed about sex - it's got be one of the greatest motivators of human disaster, from the very small to the very large. The further i go in this journey, the further i dare to dream of a world that is very different to this one, where respect is the main currency and love the central bank.
But then i think of my greatest spritual teacher (pictured above) and i remember to slow down, stop struggling, and sleep more.