Dreams

Strange Dreams last night. In the middle of the night sometime I half awoke, and was caught with a strong urge that to roll over and look behind me. I didn’t. I don’t know whether my intuition said don’t do it, or whether my fear said don’t do it. They can be hard to tell apart sometimes, and sometimes they seem the same.
I awoke this morning startled by my alarm and not knowing where i was or in which direction I faced. Feeling half in a labyrinth of dreams, I stumbled up, and headed out into a world that’s the common reference point we call reality, a thin slice of mind wedged amongst our dreamings upon which our feet tread so heavily.

Caught between

I feel today caught between. Caught between wanting to stay in bed, go out and see friends, write, play music, eat, fiddle around on the computer.... mostly from going too fast all week. But, it's a beautiful day, a beautiful house, a beautiful world.

But i'm really feeling the call of adventure, and something deep inside is whispering to me of blue skies, endless scrub and a deep subtle sense of humour.

I don't want a lover

Sometimes it's the very simple things that escape us. Sometimes it is that which we keep saying to others that we most need to hear ourselves. Often, actually, if not almost always.

So i've been in a heavy slump the last week, feeling the loneliness that is as familiar as the underwear i put on everyday, feeling the weight of 18 years of short lived and painful romances. Well, all except a couple that were longer than the rest, and proportionatly painful. And only long because the rest are so short. And i've been talking a lot about finding the gift, finding the gift in any situation, accepting it for what it is, and that things are as they are because we want them to be so. And meanwhile i've been struggling and raging and despairing about my own reality.

That reality is that i don't actually want an intimate relationship/partnership/lover. I know this because if i really did want one i'd create it, i'd make it happen. If i really wanted one i'd will it to be so. And i do create the beginnings of them, but that's really about it. The feeling of openess and peace this thought has brought me is immense, even if it's realisation was the feeling of a wall being sundered apart. Now that the wall is no longer there, i realise how much it was bothering me, how much it was blinding me. I still don't know why i don't want a relationship (oh of course i've got ideas, and associated memories, but there is something deeper), and i do know why i want one, but it doesn't really seem enough compared to the strength of the counter current.

So, having eaten my own words, i feel an openess, a peace, a new beginning to i know not where. I finally listened to myself, to the words i needed to hear: this is, therefore i will it. It's almost a whole practice unto itself, an exploration on the sharp edge of acceptance that feels like a fresh breeze blowing over a new day.

Thoughts on Love

Living with an open heart, living with love, can sometimes be brutal. We close down, hide our hearts away when it all gets a bit much, a bit too intense, or a bit too threatening to our identity. And sometimes, perhaps, we need this. Perhaps. But it also closes us off to learning about ourselves.

There is room for little else on this path. Not if you want to keep your feet on it, not if you want to fulfil your souls deepest evolutionary will. The only other thing is awareness, consciousness, and that, when held gazing steadily on love, becomes love, and love becomes consciousness. I guess that's kind of the point of the whole existence exercise.

But love is not demanding, it is our choice, suffer or love, and love is quite happy to have us suffer as she knows that our suffering will just make our love all the more profound when we finally turn our whole selves to her. But she demands, in the end, everything. To surrender totally, to see only love, to be only love, and it is this that we resist with a will powerful enough to stop the universe, for it threatens the fragile identity we invest so much in - an identity that seeks to claim the gifts given to us as our own.

But to remain open when those deepest parts of ourselves hurt with a sharpness that cuts the very fabric of our hearts, hurt with the pain of our resistance to those beliefs about ourselves to which we cling so dearly. Loneliness, rejection, doubt, alienation, fear... they stir, sentinels guarding a self from that which both heals and destroys.

Remaining open and dwelling in pain i can see Love clearly, and i want to run from her consuming embrace (like usual), hide myself away, but i do not, but neither do i know how to embrace her. And still it feels like i live half a life. But at least i can see clearly for once the hopelessness and potential of my very human situation, and am keeping my heart open no matter how much it hurts.

Another step, another layer peeled painfully off my beating heart.

New Moon

New moon, time to create: To live as my whole self with a fearless, powerful, open heart. Continue opening and strengthening the connection (much atrophied) between my heart and my sex. To have a lot of fun, stay relaxed, and be focussed. To fully set up Tantra Bliss and resolve a clear shared understanding in the Ipsalu community.

That'll do quite nicely.

Curiously Silent

A curious silence today. I left my mobile phone at home. Not that i use it everday necessarily, but it's not there, all orange, silver plastic and glass. It leaves me with a strange silence, and a little voice in my mind wondering what i've missed, who might've called. I guess it could be quite traumatic for some people. I'm just relaxing into it, but it is like leaving a finger at home. There is an interesting silence in the part of me that waits for someone exciting to call, something interesting to happen and be communicated. I guess i've never really had a good look at that corner of myself, even though i've been aware of that tendancy at times.

What would happen if one day all the mobiles went silent? Some sun flare or such and they all go out. Pandemonium? Gnashing of teeth? Global anxiety attack? A feeling of peace? A collective sigh? Nothing much different at all?

Except perhaps a curious silence.